Locked {Day 2}

So let's just dive right in to the heart of the matter, shall we? This is the post that I have been putting off for almost 6 months now. This is the post that, even as I'm sitting here, determined to write it, I still can't quite formulate my thoughts into proper words. So I guess I'll just go for it, and pray that God is glorified through my honesty.

I don't love Jane yet.

There, I said it.

Can I just tell you that even as I type those words, the anguish in my heart floods over me again. This is something that I am REALLY struggling with--deeply, painfully, and most days it feels very much like I'm sitting on an island--all by myself. The only mother in the whole world who doesn't know how to love her own child.

Do I want her? Yes. Do I care about her? Yes--more than you can imagine. Would I do anything for her? Absolutely. But do I love her as a mother loves her child? Do I love her the same way I love Ava?

No.

Not yet.

This was the side of adoption that I was not prepared for. At all. At all at all. I feel like this struggle has just kicked me into a pit & I cannot seem to move forward. We have been home with Jane for 6 months this week. I feel like I beat myself up every day over this. How can a mother not love her child? Especially a child that she fought for and prayed for and longed for. For 3 whole years.

And here is where I am so tempted to believe the lies of the enemy....the days when he whispers to me that love for her will never grow. I am learning to realize when I'm being lied to. I'm not falling for it as much these days, but man--the temptation is so real some days to believe it.

Do you remember those old books by Janette Oake? The Love Comes Softly books? I feel like I am living in those books. A woman feeling like she could never love what has been given to her. But those books end so beautifully. With the woman waking up one day, and for the first time she sees what a gift she has been given. And all of a sudden love swells up inside of her & it is more beautiful than she could ever imagine. That is the ending of my story that I want. I am LONGING for the day when I wake up & look at Jane and a pure & true love swells up inside my heart & gushes forth. I am begging God for that day.

So I ask you: what do you do when love is not there? How does love grow where love is not yet present?

I've been told it takes time. And I know it does. But what is the magic number? My soul is in anguish. The guilt is so heavy some days. All I want to do is to love my daughter--why is it not naturally flowing out of me?

I don't have an answer to that.

But I can tell you this. I have had moments. Moments where hope swept in. You know those days in spring where you open your windows to let the fresh air in? You're cleaning your kitchen, or reading books with your kids & then all of a sudden, the most gentle, quiet, fresh and lovely wind comes in & makes everything feel new. I think that's what hope feels like. A fresh wind in a house that has been all locked up. I have had those moments with Jane. Sometimes during a really rough day, she will just come and cuddle up to me and lay her head on my chest and melt in to me. And I will feel that breeze of hope. Or like tonight...I was doing dishes & I looked over and my girls (dressed down to their undies b/c our air conditioner is broken) hugging each other & giggling. The freshness of it almost took my breath away.

For some reason I feel like my heart is all locked up. I imagine it like a big old house with a thousand rooms. All with dusty doors and cobwebs and great big locks. And the keys? They are no where to be found. I don't have them. But every once in a while, a moment happens with Jane. And I hear the click of the lock--and the door sweeps open & I feel the breeze. It makes my hair dance around me and a smile overtakes me & I know it is true. God unlocked the door and brought love where there was no love.

And hope begins to invade the dark places. Love is slowly creeping in--awaking my heart & stirring love up in the dusty corners. Most of the rooms are still locked. But slowly--in time--more of those doors are being opened by the Only One who holds the key.

To me, this process is way too slow. But for whatever reason, my Shepherd has allowed me to walk this painful road. And I have to tell you--I WILL walk this road. I will wait patiently to hear the click of the locks. Because I know that she is worth it.

One day I will have to tell Jane that love was not automatically there. It breaks my heart to even think about that day. But I hope to also be able to tell her, that God caused love to spring up where it was not. And that love grew softly. But it grew stronger each day until one day--it overtook me. And I never looked back. And it consumed me. Oh Father--I beg you for that day. For Jane dear Jesus. Please--for Jane--grow love in my heart.

Hmmm...funny, even as I sit here & write this, I may have just heard the faintest click of a lock, and the quiet creaking of another door....