Dear Mom,

A couple of weeks before you went home to Jesus, you asked me if I thought you would be able to read blogs in heaven, because you really wanted to stay updated on all that was happening in our lives. I told you that I didn't think you would care--you would be way too enthralled with Jesus to be distracted by things on earth. And while I know that is the truth--you are now looking straight into the face of your Maker--I have changed my answer. I so wish that you could read this blog. I have so much to tell you & I just really wish you could see this post. I don't have any regrets with you. I really don't and I'm so thankful for that. I told you everything that was in my heart that I wanted to say. I'm not going to share those things here, because they are yours alone. And I really feel like you told me everything that was in your heart for me too. You told me you were proud of me. You told me that I was an amazing Mommy. You told me that the man I chose to marry was perfect for me. You told me that I had never looked more beautiful than I had been in recent weeks. You told me that you loved me. You told me that you believed Jesus was true to His promises.

There are no regrets lingering. But I'm just feeling so lost right now. I don't really know what to do with myself today. I've never lived without a Mom, and I just don't really know how this is supposed to work. What my days are supposed to look like when you're not in them. My heart is sad, and I wish so much that you could hug me and tell me it was all going to be ok, and that time would heal the sting. And that Jesus alone is my Comforter. I have so many questions--why it had to be you. Why it had to be me to say goodbye so soon. I'm not bitter. God has given me so much peace. But sometimes at night I wake up & just wonder why God has allowed me to walk this road. I know His character though, and I know His heart. I know that He is going to work all of this for my good. I am choosing to trust that. And Mom, it really is a choice--it does not come naturally. But you knew that more than anyone.

I just miss you. Everytime I've walked into your house this week, I've turned the corner in the kitchen, expecting to see your feet propped up on the footrest on your quiet time chair in the den. I keep picking up the phone to tell you something, and then remember that I won't get you on the other end. I knew this would be hard. We were so ready to let you go home. Your suffering, especially during your last week was so acute. It was so easy to release you. I know that you are whole now. I know that you are cancer-free. I know that you are victorious in Christ. I know that you are dancing with Jesus (as Ava reminds me each day). I know that you have no more tears. I know that your suffering is over. I know that God is faithful. I have never been so grateful for what Jesus did for me on the cross. I have never been so humbled by His great and lavish love for me. He is so good, isn't He? I have never longed more deeply for everyone I know to know Him. The Gospel changes everything.

I am grieving you. My heart feels like it might break in half. My sorrow feels as deep as the ocean. But Mama, I just need you to know that I'm not overcome. I am not in despair. I am not left hopeless. I have never ever been so filled with hope. I have never been so intimate with my Prince of Peace. I have never felt more loved by our family & our friends. And so I just need you to know that I am ok. I will miss you forever. I don't think that will ever go away. I will always need you. I will probably never understand it all while I'm walking this earth. But you have changed me. I am different because of you. I am different because I watched you suffer with grace & with an ever clinging love to Jesus. You are just so beautiful--and your spirit lives on. We will keep your legacy alive for our children. I will promise you that.

I will see you soon Mama Moozle. I long for that day even more now. And each day that I walk here will bring me one day closer to you. Jesus is just so worthy....He is so good. I know that He is carrying me every day. He has captured my heart. I love you Mom...don't forget to do a couple of cartwheels in my honor :)

Love you forever & ever,
Rachel Roozle