Happy 2nd Gotcha Day Jane!!

‎2 years ago today, I held my sweet Jane girl for the first time. This sweet baby who was not supposed to live but a few months, who was declared unadoptable, who I thought would never ever come home....God moved mountains on her behalf & what was impossible with man was not impossible for our God. Today she kissed me & squeezed me and told me she loved me. This miracle baby has made me love Jesus more, and I am so glad she is mine! Happy Gotcha Day Jane Leilet Setliffe...you are forever my miracle baby!

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one year

One year ago today, at 7:45am, Jesus called my Mama home.

Home.

That was the word she said over & over during the last 45 minutes of her life. With each breath out she said that word, and it still rings so loudly in my heart. She is home. She is healed. She is whole. She is experiencing fullness of joy & pleasures forever more. She is in the arms of her Savior.

Laura Ingalls Wilder once said, "Home is the nicest word there is." I love that, and I stand in full agreement of that. Is there any word that stirs up more feelings of love, comfort and safety than the word home?

Home.

I think that is where the sadness & sorrow sting the most....when I remember what home felt like with my Mom there. The absence of her makes it feel, well, not the same. There is still so much there to love & to cherish....no doubt about that truth. But when the connotation of home changes, there is this feeling within that the stitching around your heart is coming undone.

Again today, I am reminded that this world is NOT my HOME. This life hurts--there is sadness and pain, brokenness & longing. We were not made for this place. We are sojourners--journeying towards our true home. One day we will reach the shores of heaven & all will be set to right. Home will be a place that never fades, never changes, always satisfies. Our temporary home here on earth will never satisfy--it wasn't made to. There will always be too many good-byes while we walk this earth. I am so thankful that heaven will only be full of hello's.

Maranatha Lord Jesus--come quickly! The song on my lips and the cry of my heart is COME Lord, carry us HOME. Take this world...give me Jesus. You are enough--you are all I want. In you is my Home.

Today I will celebrate the life of my Mama. I will cry. I will think fondly on sweet memories. My heart will ache. I will probably laugh at funny stories. I will honor her. But most of all, I will pray God's Kingdom come, His will be done--on earth, as it is in heaven. Come Lord--carry us HOME.

Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.

(The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis)

Frustration

I have started writing this post 3 times now. I keep getting the first paragraph done & then erasing it. Seems fitting for the week that I've had. I'm in a funk. I feel restless...so tired, but so unable to rest. It's been a hard Mommy week for me on both sides of the coin. I feel like I have totally blown it as a Mom in the last few days. As a result, it is making me miss my Mom so much I feel like I can't even take a breath b/c my heart just feels too heavy laden.

I want my kids to love Jesus. I want them to love each other. I want them to have a heart for the things God has a heart for. I want them to be servant minded & to learn what it means to put others before themselves. That is the big picture.

The small December picture also includes wanting my kids to know in their souls that Christmas is all about Jesus. I want them to run from materialism. I want them to find joy in giving. I want them to know the true story of the first Christmas & how unbelievable it is that the Word became flesh & dwelt among us.

I have this idea of Christmas time in my head that looks like this: my family tucked into our cozy peaceful home every evening in December. I see us cuddling on the couch with the Bible, with Matt teaching our kids the Christmas story. I see us turning off the tv. I see us engaging each other & loving each other well. I see a quiet in our souls as we await our coming Savior. I see us spending our time, money, effort on giving to those who have nothing. I see my kids serving the least of these. I see the light going off in their heads that it really is so much more joy-filled to give away than to take & hoard.

But this is what my reality looks like today: Waking up late. Running out of time to read my Bible. Being in a bad mood before the sun is up. Rushing my kids around to be on time for school (get dressed, run brush your teeth, do you have your lunch box, why haven't you put your socks on, shove that banana in your mouth, I'm sorry you're not hungry--you need good nutrition, grab your back pack, run run run to the car!) Kids who fight with each other 99.9% of the time. Christmas lists full of toys we don't need. No interest in our Jesse Tree and our time of daily family worship. Too much homework (she's in kindergarten for crying out loud!) Fast food. Noise. Tv. More fighting. All four of us going in different directions.

I've just had these moments this week where I feel like I'm totally failing at all of this. I feel like I'm losing precious moments to pour into my kids. I feel defeated. I feel deflated. I feel exhausted and restless. Frustrated with myself for my lack of patience. I just feel so blah.

I just read on another blog that Frustration is when our expectations don't match our reality. That one just knocked me over like a ton of bricks. That is exactly where I'm dwelling this week. You see--my expectations--the way I feel all this should be going is just not my reality today. So what do you do when that happens? I usually just mope, or get more frustrated or sit & cry. But this morning I went to Jesus & I asked Him to show me something good that is coming out of all this effort & present chaos. I asked Him to just give me a glimpse of how He is building my kids into something beautiful. And you know what? He did just that.

Ava held my hand & asked me "If Christmas is all about love and Jesus' love for us, then why don't we just give people love for Christmas instead of presents?"

And Jane...sweet Jane that is usually a hot mess became a cuddle bug today. I watched her snuggle up to her Daddy and tuck herself into his shoulder. I saw her kiss his cheek and hug him til he almost popped.

I saw my girls kiss each other before school. I heard Ava asking questions about the mean snake in the garden that lied to Adam & Eve (our Bible story today).

I saw some fruit. In the midst of craziness & failure & unmet expectations, I saw a small piece of fruit. Somedays I get so close up to the chaos that I forget that God is weaving something beautiful in my life--and in my children's. The messy reality is building something grand.

Oh Father, please help me to step back & really SEE that You are doing something bigger. Thank you for grace & the way that You lavish it on me, even when I blow it. Thank you for being patient with me in my failures. Thank you for teaching me how to mother my kids. Thank you for being my comfort when grief overpowers. Thank you for holding my kids & for loving them way more than I ever could. Thank you for being enough. Remind me again tomorrow (because there is a high chance I will forget again). I am so glad that you have a bottle of new mercies that you are preparing to pour on me tomorrow morning. Hold my moments & my days. Bind my wandering heart to Thee. I love you so much Abba.

In This Moment

• Coldplay on spotify



• Twinkly lights on the tree



• Coffee brewing



• Jammies on



• Husband working at the table behind me



• Babies snoozing



• Thinking about "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us"



• Resting on a pillow with French words written across it



• Washing machine humming



• A picture of Mama close by so I can remember her smile



• Toys EVERYWHERE



• Stomach craving peppermint ice cream (but none in the freezer)



• Dreaming of Ethiopia



• Making a mental packing list for Scotland



• Silk blanket coziness



• The sound of the ocean over the baby monitor



• Nostalgic memories dancing through my mind



• Thoughts of heaven



• Preparation for Advent in front of me



• A Father. A Mother. A star. A sheep. A king. A shepherd. A tiny baby that rescued me. GRACE.

I Can't Stop Thinking About This

"What is wrong with my family?"

I AM.

Go read this post. I can't stop thinking about it---God change my heart!

One Thousand Gifts

A while ago I started reading Ann Vaskomp's book One Thousand Gifts and although I haven't had much time to read lately, the theme of the book has stirred something in me. I've seen other bloggers begin lists of their own thousand gifts, and it has really touched me. You see, my heart has been broken for months and months now & sometimes I'm failing to see what is beautiful in my life. I want to be a daughter of God with a grateful heart. I want to be a wife with a grateful heart. I want to be a mommy, a friend, a missionary with a grateful heart. Lately I've felt like my joy is slipping away. I kind of feel like my whole life was flipped upside down and everything is draining out. I don't want that to be my story. Once there was a girl who walked through sorrow. She lost her joy. Her heart was bound by sorrow. There was pain on her face.

That just seems so tragic. But it feels like it has become truth in me. My heart just aches. A lot. But I'm learning that I have a choice to make. I can sit down right here under this tree of sorrow and watch the world dance by. I could lay a blanket of grief and lay down in defeat.

Oh, but something in the wind is stirring my soul to awaken.


Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me,
for in you I take refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings
until the disaster has passed.

I cry out to God Most High,
to God, who vindicates me.
He sends from heaven and saves me...

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth...

My heart, O God, is steadfast,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.
Awake, my soul!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.

I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth.
(Psalm 57)


Awake my soul....do not lay down in death. Choose life. Choose joy. Choose hope. Choose contentment. Choose thankfulness.

And so...here begins my list of 1000 small joys that breathe life into my soul:

1. A patient Father who tenderly comforts me
2. Shadows that dance on my walls in the late afternoon
3. Hugs in the morning from my man
4. Tiny voices that call me Mommy
5. Coffee breaks in the afternoon
6. Eyelashes on little princesses
7. Quiet moments with my Prince of Peace
8. Handwritten notes
9. Tacos
10. Sitting under a big blanket remembering beautiful memories

I'm Still Here

I know it probably seems like I've fallen off the bloggy bandwagon again, but I promise I haven't! I'm teaching a workshop at a widow's conference at our church this week & my head is spinning with all that I need to finish before this weekend. So I'm here, just super busy with life this week! Please be praying for me as I teaching about seasons of wandering in the desert & how we can find God who is our joy in our darkest & driest moments. I'm really excited about it, but definitely a bit nervous! Thank you for praying. For now--enjoy my newest picture of the girls & I...definitely a treasure for me. It is rare that I get in front of the camera--I much prefer to hide behind it :) Enjoy your Monday! See you soon!