Tales of a Drifting Mind

Sitting here in my dark living room; the sun never showed up today.  The wind is howling down my chimney and the rain is beating on my windows.  These still and quiet moments sneak up on me sometimes and I just feel deeply all that my heart is carrying.  Sometimes it's easy to just coast through my days, untouched by the depths of my heart because I'm too busy with my to-do's and well, life.  Why are we so apt to live our days in complete unawareness of the state of our hearts?  Of our connection to our Father.  Some days I just coast.

Soul, wake up.

Come to life.

Oh how I long to live consciously in my days.  Aware of the nearness of God.  Of His feathers covering me.  Of His grace sustaining me.  Of His very being holding me up and holding me together.  Holding ALL of this together.

“He does not ask much of us, merely a thought of Him from time to time, a little act of adoration, sometimes to ask for His grace, sometimes to offer Him your sufferings, at other times to thank Him for the graces, past and present, He has bestowed on you, in the midst of your troubles to take solace in Him as often as you can. Lift up your heart to Him during your meals and in company; the least little remembrance will always be the most pleasing to Him. One need not cry out very loudly; He is nearer to us than we think.” (Brother Lawrence, Practising the Presence of God)


My eyes sting with salty tears every time I read those words.  My heart aches and swells up in my chest.  Because way too often that is not my story.  I'm checked out.  I'm too rushed.  I'm tossed about by my emotions.  And I can feel how unhealthy my heart gets when I live in unawareness.  The weakness of my flesh rises.  I become anemic in my faith. 

Soul, wake up.
Come to life.  

What is the cure?  I'm convinced it's stillness.  Unplugging.  Quiet of heart & space.  Margin.  However you wish to word it, I'm utterly awful at it.  My phone is usually too close at hand.  Music is always on.  My calendar is full.  

The end of the year is a funny time isn't it?  We start to get nostalgic.  We reflect and remember.  And if you're like me, you see all your failures staring you in your face.  But I also kind of feel like I'm drowning under the weight of all I have to do in a day and things like quiet and solitude and margin are the first gifts to fly out my window and tossed to the mercy of the wind.  

But it's time.  A fresh start.  Doesn't that sound like exactly what you need?  It sure is what I need.  Margin takes discipline. And work.  It takes carving and creating.  It doesn't just happen.  Sure have learned that one the hard way.  But the craving for space is fierce.  

Soul, wake up.

Come to life.