Frustration

I have started writing this post 3 times now. I keep getting the first paragraph done & then erasing it. Seems fitting for the week that I've had. I'm in a funk. I feel restless...so tired, but so unable to rest. It's been a hard Mommy week for me on both sides of the coin. I feel like I have totally blown it as a Mom in the last few days. As a result, it is making me miss my Mom so much I feel like I can't even take a breath b/c my heart just feels too heavy laden.

I want my kids to love Jesus. I want them to love each other. I want them to have a heart for the things God has a heart for. I want them to be servant minded & to learn what it means to put others before themselves. That is the big picture.

The small December picture also includes wanting my kids to know in their souls that Christmas is all about Jesus. I want them to run from materialism. I want them to find joy in giving. I want them to know the true story of the first Christmas & how unbelievable it is that the Word became flesh & dwelt among us.

I have this idea of Christmas time in my head that looks like this: my family tucked into our cozy peaceful home every evening in December. I see us cuddling on the couch with the Bible, with Matt teaching our kids the Christmas story. I see us turning off the tv. I see us engaging each other & loving each other well. I see a quiet in our souls as we await our coming Savior. I see us spending our time, money, effort on giving to those who have nothing. I see my kids serving the least of these. I see the light going off in their heads that it really is so much more joy-filled to give away than to take & hoard.

But this is what my reality looks like today: Waking up late. Running out of time to read my Bible. Being in a bad mood before the sun is up. Rushing my kids around to be on time for school (get dressed, run brush your teeth, do you have your lunch box, why haven't you put your socks on, shove that banana in your mouth, I'm sorry you're not hungry--you need good nutrition, grab your back pack, run run run to the car!) Kids who fight with each other 99.9% of the time. Christmas lists full of toys we don't need. No interest in our Jesse Tree and our time of daily family worship. Too much homework (she's in kindergarten for crying out loud!) Fast food. Noise. Tv. More fighting. All four of us going in different directions.

I've just had these moments this week where I feel like I'm totally failing at all of this. I feel like I'm losing precious moments to pour into my kids. I feel defeated. I feel deflated. I feel exhausted and restless. Frustrated with myself for my lack of patience. I just feel so blah.

I just read on another blog that Frustration is when our expectations don't match our reality. That one just knocked me over like a ton of bricks. That is exactly where I'm dwelling this week. You see--my expectations--the way I feel all this should be going is just not my reality today. So what do you do when that happens? I usually just mope, or get more frustrated or sit & cry. But this morning I went to Jesus & I asked Him to show me something good that is coming out of all this effort & present chaos. I asked Him to just give me a glimpse of how He is building my kids into something beautiful. And you know what? He did just that.

Ava held my hand & asked me "If Christmas is all about love and Jesus' love for us, then why don't we just give people love for Christmas instead of presents?"

And Jane...sweet Jane that is usually a hot mess became a cuddle bug today. I watched her snuggle up to her Daddy and tuck herself into his shoulder. I saw her kiss his cheek and hug him til he almost popped.

I saw my girls kiss each other before school. I heard Ava asking questions about the mean snake in the garden that lied to Adam & Eve (our Bible story today).

I saw some fruit. In the midst of craziness & failure & unmet expectations, I saw a small piece of fruit. Somedays I get so close up to the chaos that I forget that God is weaving something beautiful in my life--and in my children's. The messy reality is building something grand.

Oh Father, please help me to step back & really SEE that You are doing something bigger. Thank you for grace & the way that You lavish it on me, even when I blow it. Thank you for being patient with me in my failures. Thank you for teaching me how to mother my kids. Thank you for being my comfort when grief overpowers. Thank you for holding my kids & for loving them way more than I ever could. Thank you for being enough. Remind me again tomorrow (because there is a high chance I will forget again). I am so glad that you have a bottle of new mercies that you are preparing to pour on me tomorrow morning. Hold my moments & my days. Bind my wandering heart to Thee. I love you so much Abba.