Let's Just be Real

Not going to lie. I'm having a hard time jumping back in to this blog. I don't really know what to say--this has been such a hard year for me. I feel so different than the person I was a year ago. My heart aches every day for my Mom. The pain is not as raw & all consuming as it was 9 months ago, but it is still very fresh. There is a deep rooted sorrow in my heart that is always present now--sometimes it takes front & center in my days, other days it's just like a shadow behind me. But it is always there. I don't know much about grief--if what I'm feeling will ever go away. But for now, it is where I am. I don't want to hide that from you--but I also don't want this blog to be such a weighty place every day either. While my grief is always present, it is not all that I am these days either. I'm also a girl who feels like my dreams are almost within my grasp. I have been praying for God to move me (which then turned to us when the boy entered the picture) overseas since I was 18. I am so content with where God has our family at the present time & so overjoyed that He is calling us to be missionary church planters.

So you see....I'm in this weird place right now. Sorrow is deeply embedded in my heart, and yet at the same time, my heart feels so light and so free. I don't even know if I'm making any sense right now. I think it's going to take some practice getting back into writing. I know I need to stop caring (again) if anyone is reading this silly little blog & just worry about writing. Writing is a remedy for me. This space is a healing space for me. I'm happy to be back here. I need to be back here. It's just hard to be so vulnerable sometimes. But years & years ago, I commited to be a genuine person. I was so fed up with people who tried to fool the world into thinking that they had it all together. I was so convicted in that area. So long ago, I promised God that I would be a voice that just told the truth. So here I am today--standing in front of you to say, that I don't have it all together. I am struggling. My emotions are all over the map most days. Tears are a very real part of most every day. But in the midst of that, I am not done in. I am not cast down forever....I know I'm not. There is this seed that God planted in my heart that grows & grows every day. What is it? It's called HOPE & it carries me on its wings every day.



I wanted to close tonight with a song that has become so dear to my heart. Some days the words of this song are so easy to sing--like breathing--so natural & obvious. Other days, the words of this song kill me to sing. He is not done with me yet. Praise Him! He is not finished with me...Praise the Lord oh my soul....





Praise the Lord by Kristene Mueller

Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
And let all that's within me praise His name.
Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
And let all that's within me praise His name.

Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
And let all that's within me praise His name.
Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
And let all that's within me praise His name.

For I will not die, I will live,
And I will tell of the Works of the Lord
And sing of His wonders.

I will not die, I will live.
I will not die, I will live,
'Cause He's a great God.
He's a great God.

And I get to love You through whatever comes.
What a privilege
That I get to love You through whatever comes.
Oh, how sweet it is,
That I get to love You through whatever comes.
What a privilege it is
That I get to love You through whatever comes.
Oh, how sweet it is.

And nothing's gonna take Your praise out of my mouth
As long as I shall live,
As long as I shall live.
Oh, nothing's gonna take Your praise out of my mouth
As long as I shall live,
As long as I shall live.

And I will not die, I will live,
I will not die, I will live.
For I will not die, I will live,
And I will tell of the Works of the Lord,
I will sing of His wonders.
For I will not die, I will live,
For I will not die, I will live.
I will not die, I will live,
Oh, I will not die, I will live.

And nothing's gonna take Your praise out of my mouth
As long as I shall live,
As long as I shall live.
Oh, nothing's gonna take Your praise out of my mouth
As long as I shall live,
As long as I shall live,
'Cause He's a great God.
He's a great God.
You're a great God.
You're a great God