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Honesty
- Hi friends
- My name is Rachel: AKA blog writing failure
- I am so tired.
- I knew this transition would be difficult, but I really had no idea it would be THIS.DIFFICULT!
- Did I mention I'm so tired?
- My laundry is piled up & overflowing out of my hamper & it is now taller than me.
- I can't believe I just admitted that, but I'm just keepin' it real.
- I've been wearing underwear from college this week b/c I'd rather wear old too-small underwear than do laundry right now.
- I am so tired.
- Jane does not take naps.
- I don't know if I can mother a child who does not take naps.
- I mean, I will of course, b/c I'm committed to that kid for life, but seriously?? No naps?? This Mama needs a mid-day break!
- I have discovered that I can go 2.5 days without a shower.
- I have also discovered that I am more selfish than I could have ever imagined.
- I cannot figure out how to fit my quiet time into my "new normal". I am seriously working so hard to build it back into my day but it is really tough. I set my alarm for 6 this morning to get up before everyone & lo & behold, Ava wakes up at 5:30.
- My day is a mess when I don't start with my Jesus time.
- I am so thankful that God still loves me even when I can't seem to get my act together.
- I know that I want/need to blog about our trip so I can have a record of it, but honestly it's the last thing I want to do at the end of the day.
- I have been overwhelmed thinking about Haiti. My heart just breaks for the people there.
- Sometimes I feel like my world has become very small. I wonder if I am making any impact at all. Motherhood is tough sometimes. It is such a constant flesh vs. Spirit battle. At least for me it is.
- I am addicted to Jon Foreman's music.
- Sometimes I look at Jane & I'm so overwhelmed that she is home & in my arms...so full of joy & awe at what God has done. Other times I look at her & think...what have we gotten ourselves into. But that's usually just when she's screaming & not taking a nap.
- Why won't she take a nap?
- Why are hot tamales so good?
- Why does every other post of mine include something about hot tamales?
- I can't remember what to feed a 14 month old.
- I hate dogs. But I wish I had a dog--but only a mealtime dog that would clean up under my children.
- I have hardly taken any pictures since we've been home.
- That's b/c my girls don't really like each other very much yet.
- I'm really struggling watching Ava struggle through this transition. She is so sensitive & has really been more disobedient than usual.
- We've started putting Jane to bed early so we can have special time, just with Ava every night. Is it bad to admit that that's my happiest time of day?
- I feel like Jane has bonded to me, but that it's taking some time for me to bond to her. I didn't expect to feel that way.
- I feel guilty for feeling that way.
- How on earth will we deal with her past with her one day. It scares me half to death. I'm thankful that I will have God's wisdom when the time comes to share the full details of her story with her. I love being an adoptive Mom & I'm scared to be an adoptive Mom.
- My ceiling fans are so dusty that I never turn them off. Because if they stop everyone will see how dusty they are.
- I need to go to sleep. But I'll probably watch a movie. I feel like I've gotten very selfish w/ my personal/alone time. I don't want to do anything but veg out. But I don't want to be like that--I want to work hard & take care of things & better myself.
- But I'm just so tired.
Rachel - Thanks for being real! Praying that God gives you strength to endure the transition.
ReplyDeleteLeigh Ann Thomas
AWAA YG
I love the honesty! And I am happy to admit that I have thought ALL of those things, including the best part of my day being when Addy was asleep. BUT, it's so much better now, and not the case anymore. I knew things were making a turn for the better when morning would come and I couldn't wait for her to wake up. It took MONTHS to get to that point. It will come!!
ReplyDeleteI love your realness- and I can fully say that I've been RIGHT THERE- many times- and I promise you: it WILL get easier.
ReplyDeleteI remember when I had Emerson and then found out I was pregnant when she was 4 months old... and she was the most hard baby- I would just pray "If we can make it to 5 months, we'll be okay." I don't know why, but setting a short term goal of "if we can get to this point, we'll be okay" somehow helped me make it through the days.
I love you girl. I wish I could offer some sage advice, but really, all I can say is I am exactly with you. And the selfishness- yes indeedy. That is so magnified in motherhood.
It is difficult and worth it. I will be praying for naps as I know how much I love that time too and will pray for you. I remember feeling much of what you posted esp. the part about being selfish. It gets better, it really does.
ReplyDeleteOh how I could echo pretty much every word of this post. We had a very tough transition. We are 4.5 months out now and things are soooo much better. I was under such a cloud when we first got home though. Praying for some sleep, rest, and strength!!!
ReplyDeleteRachel,
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your huge life adjustment.
Take time to be with the LORD every day, even if it is just a few minutes before you jump out of bed or before you go to sleep. It will recalibrate your hert and mind and keep you sane. A famtastic short devotional I use is "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. It is all based on the Word of God. If you don't have it and want it, I would love to send you a copy.
My e-mail is: debisue2@verizon.net.
Love and hugs and prayers,
Debi
Hi, Rachel!
ReplyDeleteBoy do I relate to so many of these points. Our kids are close in age, and I experienced (and am still experiencing) a lot of this - and we are 8 months home. I think the key is lower standards. As in - the kids ate three meals = awesome day. I'm only sort of kidding.
It is hard adding number two, because not only are you adding a child you are also adding the relationship between your kids that you want to nurture as well. It is all such a huge task. As we used to say all the time when I worked in a school - All we can do is all we can do.
And I'll pray for naps. That is a big deal.
Leslie
Rachel,
ReplyDeleteGlad you posted this. I know nothing about adoption, but I have only been a mother of 2 for 9 months. It was SO hard at the beginning. I felt like I had finally acheived a 'normal' that included a fed and clean family, as well as ministries that I loved, when another baby came! Isabella had a very hard time adjusting to Daniel even though she was 2 1/2 yrs old. And like you, I knew I needed to spend time in the Word, but I would open my Bible and it was the only time I was able to rest so I would just begin to fall asleep. I am praying for you.
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness...2 Peter 1:3
Leslie Mole
This past week being home from Ethiopia has been one of the worst and hardest of my life! I haven't even had time to sit down and make my honest list, because I'm too overwhelmed! But with everyone home from school and work today I made myself come in here and catch up on some other people's lives for a moment, hoping to forget how crazy mine is! We'll survive this, we know we will, but right now it sure does stink! ( and it's not just the laundry and dishes wafting around) :)
ReplyDeleteHanging in there right along with you sister!
Gina Root - AWAA YG
Just read your honest report...and prayed for your whole family. May God give you grace for each day.
ReplyDeleteBlessings, Kristy Tapper
Hey, would you believe that my word verification for the comment I just left was...
ReplyDeleterested.
I think God's grace can handle that.
Can I just say that, I haven't questioned my salvation in years...at least not until Micah came home. I LOVE my son dearly! But it is hard to comprehend all that comes with adoption...exhaustion is the worst part, b/c it makes everything else 10x worse. Trust me. This will pass. You are fighting the good fight...the good fight that Jesus has already won!
ReplyDeleteI love you.
ReplyDeleteAwww, man. I can totally relate to this. I was very sleep deprived & emotionally exhausted when Asa first came home - it made things feel disjointed and not at all like I had imagined. We also had some sibling issues which is just so hard for a mommy. After about six weeks, though, things got so much better. I pray that Jane starts napping and that you are able to carve out some quiet time. Please let us know if there is anything we can do!!
ReplyDeleteRachel, I see that you haven't posted for a while--and that's perfectly fine! I just wanted to drop you a note and let you know you are on my heart today. I hope and pray that Jane (and Ava, and you and your husband) are getting adjusted and that things are improving. I just wanted you to know I'm praying for you and your family today. God bless you!
ReplyDelete