Camp :)

Ok...I was supposed to post this last night, but I forgot. This is Rachel's sister, Emily. Rachel is very concerned about finishing her little blog challenge of blogging every day in June. However, she is at camp this week with Matt and was expecting to have internet access, but she doesn't. So, she wants all of her readers to know that she is still blogging every day, but she won't be able to post until she gets back. :)

My Rock Star Boyfriend (Repost) {Day 27}

Ok, so I know I've already blogged today but I thought I'd just make you say "wow" by posting one more time tonight :) In my high school post a few days ago I shared my love for Phil Joel. Well, tonight I was looking back at old (like old old) posts & found this little gem that I wrote in August of 2007. I just had to share so you could truly understand my obsession with him! For those of you that have already had to read this once in your life: sorry :) Oh...and this was written when we were still in the El Salvador program with our adoption agency. Still a sweet story even if we didn't get to adopt from there!



My Rock Star Boyfriend

Ok friends. If you have known me for more than 5 minutes you know that I have been in love with Phil Joel (formerly of the Newsboys, although sometimes still with the Newsboys :) for almost half of my life. I'd like to give you a breakdown--a chronological calendar of events--of our relationship. Here you go......(ps: more bullet points for you fans out there!)

• 1994: Phil Joel joins the Newsboys


• 1994: I lay eyes on Phil Joel for the first time on tv--actually on the making of the "Shine" video


• 1995: I see Newsboys for the first time in concert at the USF sundome


• 1995: Same day. My friends & I stalk down the Newsboys after their set & wait for them at their bus. Yes....I was a 15 year old groupie


• 1995: Also the same day. I touch Phil Joel's hair and arm. Oh my goodness--it is official. I AM IN LOVE. Love people.


• 1995: Same beautiful day. I take about 10,000 pictures with Phil Joel before being dragged away by security. PS....I LOVE him.


• 1995-2002: I attend every Newsboys concert that comes within 5 hours of me. And at each concert I get there hours early to have front row seats. I stand at the stage. I mouth, "I love you Phil Joel" every time he comes near me. I try to touch his shoes. I am IN LOVE people.


• 2000: My roomate gives me a life-size cardboard cutout of Phil Joel. He lives with me until I get married. When I had roomates he lived in my closet--my secret love. When I lived by myself he stayed with me in my bedroom. However--we remained pure--he slept in the extra bed :)


• 2000--2004: I buy Phil Joel's solo albums & rock out to them pretty much every time I'm in the car by myself.


• 2001: I carry my Phil with me to the Festival Con Dios concert. Although being a grown woman, I am peer-pressured by the students in our ministry to leave him in the car. I cry silent tears.


• 2002: I get married to Matt Setliffe


• 2002: Matt Setliffe carries Phil Joel to the dumpster & tells me to move on.


• 2002: I see Phil Joel's wife at a concert. She is blond and beautiful. And being newly married myself I realize that the love affair is over. We will just be friends. And I'm ok with that. I have fallen more in love with Matt Setliffe than I ever was with Phil Joel. Plus Matt Setliffe will kiss me back.


• 2006: I find out that our best friends, spur58, have just signed to the same record label as Phil Joel. They mock me & say that maybe they'll get me an autograph. I'm still waiting guys.


• 2006: Christmas time. I get a message from Jamie, and then 3 minutes later get a message from Maris. THEY MET HIM!!!!!!! They were at a label Christmas party and he was there. And THEY TALKED TO HIM!!!!!!! I am insanely jealous. Matt Setliffe tells me to move on.


• 2007: The other day. I pull out my old Phil Joel cds that I have not listened to in at least a year. (I am trying to move on people....) I open the cd booklet.......and guess what I found???? A song. A song called "El Salvador". He had written it after going there on a mission trip with his wife. I had forgotten all about it. So all day long I listened to my old flame sing a beautiful song about the place of my daughter's birth. The place that is so dear & close to my heart right now. And I love him all over again. But not in a oh my gosh, you are so dang hot & I want to kiss you sort of way. But in a, wow. God is so funny. We really are friends--God has given us a heartbeat for the same place. Now how cool is that???
  ps....I still secretly LOVE you Phil Joel :)

Camp! {Day 27)

My husband is finally home after 10 long (for me) days in Ethiopia. He had an amazing trip & saw over 200 people (mostly Muslim) put their faith in Christ. He has some pretty cool stories & I love hearing them! He got home last night & we're headed out again tomorrow. We're busy busy busy this summer! We're leaving to go to our church's youth camp tomorrow where Matt will be the speaker for our High School ministry. It's such a full circle moment for me--I grew up going to camp with our church, Bell Shoals & now I'm the speaker's wife. Pretty fun to see it all happen! Camp was always such a monumental week in my life every year. God just seems to speak extra loud when you choose to remove yourself from so many other distractions! I'm really looking forward to it, and even though it's going to be tough this year with 2 kids in tow, I know it will still be lots of fun! Plus I'll have like 400 babysitters around me too :)


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Oh, and if there are any psycho killers or stalkers that read this blog--beware--our house will be very well guarded while we are away :)


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On this night, 8 years ago I was laying awake giddy with joy & excitement & anxiousness & nerves. I couldn't sleep b/c the next morning I would be marrying my man--my best friend. Fun memories! I can't wait to spend my anniversary with my love. And 400 teenagers :) Ha ha!

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Goodnight my friends! I will leave you with this video. You've probably already seen it, but just in case, it has to be shared b/c it may just be the funniest thing I've ever ever seen :)

Meeting Jane {Day 26}

So here it finally is! The moment where Jane was placed in our arms forever. It was a day we will never forget and praise God for bringing it to completion. He is a good & faithful God who moves mountains!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Ava-isms {Day 25}

So tonight is one of those nights that if I wasn't in the midst of this little blog challenge I definitely wouldn't blog. I am really running out of things to say! Tonight my best friends & I went out on a very long overdue girl's night out. We had such a fun time. We went to eat at this southern food place called Fred's w/ the most unbelievable buffet you've ever seen. We seriously overate--I had to lay down in the backseat on the way to our movie b/c it hurt to sit up straight :) Anyways, as they were driving me home I asked what they thought I should write about & they said I should share some Ava-isms with you. I have kept a journal since Ava started talking of the sweet & silly things she says. Here are some of my very favorites:

• "Daddy is a prince & his name is Charming!" (2 years old)


• We were talking about how Jesus was our Rescuer while we were driving & Ava piped up from the back seat & asked, "Does Jesus wear a cape?" (2 years old)


• "Is chocolate medicine Mommy?" (2 years old)


• I was pouring Ava some water before bed & she started running in circles around the kitchen. When I asked her what she was doing she said, "I'm running really fast so Jane can come home!" (2 years old)


• Ava refuses to wear pig tails...she will only wear "tree frog tails" and "zebra tails" (2 years old)


• After learning how God changed Saul's name to Paul you told me that Pinnochio (who she called PinnociNO) used to be called Pinnochiyes but God changed his name to Pinnochino (3 years old)


• We were listening to the radio & the announcer came on & she asked, "Is that God talking?" (3 years old)


• Erin & I were at lunch one day & our waiter was really sleazy and flirty. He kept calling us ladies (imagine it with a sleazy accent). When he walked away Ava said, "Mommy, he sure does like the ladies!" (3 years old)


• One Sunday Ava decided she wanted to dress like Thomas the Train. So I dressed her in a blue skirt--b/c you know, he's blue. She looked down at her dress, bewildered & said, "Mommy! Trains don't wear skirts & shoes! They wear paint and wheels!" (3 years old)


• Grandma bought her some new sandals & when she tried them on she yelled "Wow! I look like Jesus now!!" (3 years old)


• "This popsicle is just so tasteable!" (3 years)


• One night we were at the beach w/ all the college students for a worship service. Ava kept playing with the reeds behind us & I told her to stop b/c she was being a distraction. SO she looked up at the sky & said "Jesus, can I keep pulling these reeds out?" Then w/ a very high-pitched squeaky voice (like she was talking FOR Jesus) she said, "Yes Ava--that's ok--it's ok with me". Then she turned to me & said, "See Mommy--Jesus said it was ok!" (3 years old)


• To her babysitter: "I think something is wrong with my mouth!" When asked what..."It doesn't want to eat this food!" (3 years old)


• She was coloring a picture of the Care Bear, Wish Bear and got really frustrated. Woefully she said "This doesn't look like Wish Bear--it looks like a giant meatball." (3 years old)


• While making her lunch she said "Mommy you make everything magic--just like Mary Poppins!" (3 years old)


• Last week I put Ava in a fancy dress for church & she kept saying "I am just so beautiful today! Mommy--I'm going to talk very softly today b/c I am just so beautiful!" (4 years old)


• "Mommy...baby Shepherd is SO CUTE! He has God's hair!" (4 years old)

What a silly little bug she is! She brings me so much joy I can hardly stand it :)

Rachel: High School Version {Day 24}

So, just for fun (and b/c it's 11:27 and I have nothing better to say) I would like to introduce you to me--in high school.

There I am--in all my super posed, black feather senior picture goodness. Now...for the goods:

• My name was Rachel Briana Murbach way back then
• c/o of 1998--yes that was last century thank you very much :)
• My favorite band was the Newsboys & I was OBSESSED. I mean psycho obsessed. I knew everything about every band member. And I even touched Phil Joel's hair after stalking them & finding their secret bus hideout. And I thought John Jame's silver suit was the coolest thing I'd ever seen.
• My 2 best friends were (and still are!) Aprile & Erin
• I drove a 1988 gold Honda civic--stick shift. The engine made a squeaky sound so we made up a story that a hamster named Paco lived under the hood.
• I had way too many boyfriends. And I was SO IN LOVE with all of them
• I also had an imaginary boyfriend named Alfredo Marinara. He was Latin & very smooth. But when I graduated I broke his heart and allowed my sister to start dating him.
• I was on the golf team & actually pretty good at it.
• The Gin Blossoms and The Fugees were also some of my favorite bands
• I was Secretary of student government my senior year. That's b/c no one was running & my AP Psych teacher told me I should run b/c the odds were really in my favor
• The first night that Aprile, Erin & I went out after I got my driver's license was insane. We were sent a note from a crazy guy at the restaurant that said "you make my heart want to explode...signed, the Unibomber"; we almost got flattened by a semi truck that I pulled out in front of & couldn't change gears fast enough; and then we almost got attacked by a truck-full of Mexican men that jumped out of their truck at a stop sign & started running at my car.
• I taught a Bible study on Thursday mornings
• My favorite class was English
• I took Spanish & French
• I wore birkenstock sandals and converse all-stars
• I also wore bell bottom jeans
• my eyebrows looked like squirrel tails taped to my forehead
• I surrendered to ministry my Senior year
• On the way to school every single morning my sister & I would play a game--whoever saw the time 7:11 and yelled "it's 7:11--that's a store" won the game. Yes we were very strange
• I had a crazy sound system in my little car & used to blast rap music until my ears hurt
• I was passionate about Jesus--and I let everyone know it
• I sat the bench all season long on the basketball team in 9th grade
• my high school principal died during my senior year. he was (and still is) one of my hero's & favorite people I've ever known
• My favorite class ever was 11th grade English where my teacher challenged me to write more
• My least favorite class was anything math related
• I always made my lunch and brought it, but always dreamed of eating cafeteria food instead
• I was president of the Christian club at my school--Youth Alive
• Youth group at church was my favorite place to be..my second home really
• I got along with my parents
• During the winter my sister & I would listen to Aretha Franklin's RESPECT in the car on the way to school and dance as hard as we could to stay warm b/c my heater didn't work very well
• My first kiss happened after the boy said (and no I'm not joking) "my mouth is dry...should we remedy that?" How on earth did I fall for that line? Sick. Makes my stomach turn every time I think about it :)
• I ate buttered Ego waffles for breakfast almost every day

Wilderness Continued {Day 23}

Hey friends! I can't believe there are only 7 days left in June and in my little self-inflicted blog challenge! I have really enjoyed getting back into writing again, but I have to admit--there have been some nights that I had nothing to say and wished that I didn't have to write again. But overall, it has been good for me! I wanted to go back to the wilderness discussion again. To those of you that commented--thank you! Here are my answers:

1. Have you walked through a wilderness season of life? (I"m guessing that's a yes for all of us)
I feel like I have been journeying through the wilderness for about 7 years now. I know that might sound crazy to some people, but it is definitely where I have been. One thing I learned from my Bible Study was that God did not lead the Israelites to a desert--He led them to a wilderness. A desert is lifeless, hopeless, deserted (obviously!), and free of all nourishment. A wilderness however has hills, valleys, oases, life, deserts, lush vegetation. So therefore, I can honestly say that I haven't been in a dry, lifeless desert for 7 years, but I have been in a wilderness--a place where I have journeyed all kinds of terrain, and yet I still have not reached my land of promise.

I see 2 pictures in all of this though. I think there are seasons of life that include wilderness journeys that lead to promised lands. But overall, this life of ours on earth is really one big wilderness, and we will not reach our land of promise (heaven) until we die. The past 7 years have had bright, shining, miracle moments for sure. But there have been a whole lot of mountains to climb. A whole lot of valleys full of the shadow of death. A whole lot of refreshment found at a surprise oasis. A whole lot of dry, desert wandering. I feel like this journey of mine has been long and full of so many different aspects. But the overarching truth is that I am aching for more. I am aching to reach that land of abundance. Not material abundance--I could honestly care less about that. I'm speaking of spiritual abundance. The kind of abundance where you wake up in the morning & you are completely satisfied in Christ alone. I know that part of where I am is just the stage of life that I'm in. I'm no longer a child, I'm no longer a passionate teenager, I'm no longer a questioning-everything 25 year old. I feel like as I'm aging, I'm also evolving--longing to be steady. That is so much of what I crave--steadiness. When pain comes, I steadily trust. When goodness & plenty come--I steadily trust & don't forget about my God. Some days I wonder if I will ever leave this wilderness this side of heaven. I long for it, but sometimes I feel like I will never get there.


2. What do you think is the purpose of the "wilderness season" in the life of a follower of Christ?
I think the purpose is first of all God's glory. I think it is about my sanctification--my becoming more like Christ every day. I think that there are some lessons that can only be learned in the wilderness, and because our Father loves us, He leads us to the wilderness--to the desert so that we can learn. I also think that God is so amazingly tender in the wilderness. Not that He's not elsewhere, but there is just something about His love for me as He leads me through very hard painful times that seems so intimately tender.


3. What do you think when you hear this verse: "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert..." (Hosea 2:14) Is it hard for you to justify a good God leading His people into a desert?
This one is hard for me to swallow. He doesn't just lead--He allures. That is not an easy teaching. But I have come to trust that my God knows what He's doing when He leads me farther into the wilderness. He is good & He is the Discipliner. That is not easy to justify, and yet I know it is truth.


4. What did you personally learn while wandering in the wilderness?
I have learned that I take my eyes off Jesus entirely too easily.
I have learned that He never takes His eyes off of me.
I've learned that He was faithful before, so I can trust Him to be faithful again.
I've learned that He knows my breaking point and will take me right up to it. And then the
next time He pushes the line back even further.
I've learned that His love sustains.
I've learned that He is a holy God and it is not really about me at all.
I've learned that He works all things together for my good.
I've learned that He is enough.


5. For those of you that have crossed over into the land of promise after a season of wilderness....Was the pain/dryness/confusion/uncertainty/etc. worth it in the end? Why did you answer that way?
Can't answer that one yet, but I think I could put my money on the fact that YES it will be worth it.

One amazing thing that He is teaching me is from Exodus 15:22-27. The waters at Marah & Elim.

After journeying for 3 days without any water, the Israelites came upon the waters of Marah. They were so desperately thirsty. They were so relieved. And then they dipped in their cups & took a gulp & had to spit out the water because it was bitter. So they grumbled and complained about it. Sounds familiar, huh? So Moses prayed and God sent him a piece of wood. Moses threw the wood into the water and the water changed from bitter to sweet.

Sometimes in the wilderness we become desperately thirsty. We feel hopeless, forgotten about, scared. And then we see it--the oasis in the distance--refreshment is near. And then we dip in our cup and what we pull out is BITTER. It is not what we expected. It is not refreshing. It does not bring life. So we grumble and complain. But then God.

Oh, then God throws a stick in it and it becomes sweet. Only He has the power and ability to take what is bitter and make it sweet. Only He can bring change to that which disappoints and does not satisfy us. This is really speaking to my life right now. He can take that which tastes so bitter and full of death and make it sweet. I hope that washes over you today!

And then He leads them to Elim--an oasis where there were twelve springs ans seventy palm trees and they camped near the water.

Sometimes God just leads us right to the blessing--and it is abundant. It is FULL of life--full of plenty. Full of hope. And all of this was in the midst of the wilderness.

But I don't know about you--but I think that if I had been there, and God had taken me to Elim first, I wouldn't have been able to understand what a blessing Marah was. Marah HAD to come first. They had to see how God could take bitterness and bring sweetness before they could have a blessing laid in their laps. Marah always has to come first so that our eyes can be opened to our miracle working God--so that we can be truly grateful for what He has done.

I'm sure Elim was amazing--but I don't know that such a powerful lesson was learned there like was learned at Marah.

God please--bring sweetness to that which tastes bitter in my life!

Wilderness {Day 22}

Hey friends! So my internet router got struck by lightening yesterday and it won't even turn on. So right now I'm bumming a wireless signal from one of my neighbors & it is moving VERY slow! I'm not even sure if this will publish or not, but we shall see. For the record though, just in case, I am writing this at 10:02 pm on Tuesday June 22 :)

So, as I mentioned before, I am going through a Priscilla Shirer study about journey through the wilderness to a land of promise & plenty. I would like to hear your thoughts on this issue. Please comment & let's get a dialogue going! If people participate I'll share a little more tomorrow about what I'm learning. If not, then I'll probably just move on. So here are some questions I have:

1. Have you walked through a wilderness season of life? (I"m guessing that's a yes for all of us)

2. What do you think is the purpose of the "wilderness season" in the life of a follower of Christ?

3. What do you think when you hear this verse: "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert..." (Hosea 2:14) Is it hard for you to justify a good God leading His people into a desert?

4. What did you personally learn while wandering in the wilderness?

5. For those of you that have crossed over into the land of promise after a season of wilderness....
Was the pain/dryness/confusion/uncertainty/etc. worth it in the end? Why did you answer that way?

Ok...so talk amongst yourselves! I really hope this works! Hugs to you all on this Tuesday night!

Heavy {June 21}

My minutes are ticking away today...I haven't been on the computer all day. You will have to excuse my lack of words tonight. I have several very dear friends who are walking through some very heavy and difficult things. Tonight I just feel the need to sit in the silence of it all and carry the burdens of my friends. Sometimes life is way too hard & God just doesn't make any sense. But we have to trust that He is still good & that He is going to set everything right & bring redemption. We have to pray that He will bring beauty from the ash heap. I am so thankful for my dear friends & I hope you girls know that you are loved & being prayed for tonight.

Happy Father's Day! {Day 20}

I'm so thankful for the 2 leading men in my life--my husband, who is a wonderful Daddy to our girls, and of course my own Dad!

My Dad & I got saved on the same night--at a Christmas program at church when I was 9 years old. It's been so awesome to watch him grow into such a godly man, a strong leader and a wonderful Bible teacher. I'm so thankful that God chose him to be my Dad! His wisdom & support are invaluable to me!

Having a godly, loving Dad taught me to look for a man who would be the same to my own children one day. I am so thankful that God brought Matt into my life. I have loved watching him father our kids. He loves those girls so much! He is always taking them on dates, dancing with them, tickling them, and fighting to make time for them. I am very proud of the Daddy that he is!

Happy Father's Day ya'll!!

Writings of Old {Day 19}

I love looking through my old journals from time to time. I've been journaling my prayers pretty regularly since 2000. My journals are one of my greatest treasures & I'm so thankful that I can read back & see God's hand on my life--through the ups & downs. I found this writing that I did long long ago & wanted to share it. I wrote it after studying 2 Samuel 9 about David & Mephibosheth (Scripture below). It is one of my very favorite stories in the Bible & it has deeply affected my own walk with the Lord.


The Beggar
(written February 4, 2002)

Crippled feet carry me down the carpet to Your throne.
Tainted.
Dirty.
Worthless.
Empty.

What a wretched man I am.
Hopeless.
lifeless.
Soul crying from the agony within.
Empty.
Your voice billows from above.
My name.

So full of sin.
Crusted with fear.
Oh feet of mine why do you stagger so?
Crippled from birth.

Tears flow,
mingled with the dirt of my flesh.
Empty.
My clothes hang ragged on my bones.

Weary, oh so weary.
Surely death awaits as I limp toward Your throne.

King.
Majesty.
Enthroned with grace.

Oh how I am drawn to your light.

Fear.
Fear so deep it pricks my soul.
Alone.
So far away.
Empty.

So wretchedly empty.

So I lift up my cup to You.
Oh, do not dispise the cup of a beggar.
Nothing to give.
My breath is all I have.
Yet my trembling hand do I lift.
Empty.

Oh King fill my cup.
Fill the cup of this dirt-crusted beggar.
Just a drop.
The depths of me ache.

Oh just one drop.

Rain.
Flow.
Flood.
Wash over me.

More than enough.
Empty no more.
So full.
So free.
The cup overflows.
A beggar set free.


2 Samuel 9
David and Mephibosheth 1 David asked, "Is there anyone still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show kindness for Jonathan's sake?"
2 Now there was a servant of Saul's household named Ziba. They called him to appear before David, and the king said to him, "Are you Ziba?" "Your servant," he replied.
3 The king asked, "Is there no one still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show God's kindness?" Ziba answered the king, "There is still a son of Jonathan; he is crippled in both feet."
4 "Where is he?" the king asked. Ziba answered, "He is at the house of Makir son of Ammiel in Lo Debar."
5 So King David had him brought from Lo Debar, from the house of Makir son of Ammiel.
6 When Mephibosheth son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, came to David, he bowed down to pay him honor. David said, "Mephibosheth!" "Your servant," he replied.
7 "Don't be afraid," David said to him, "for I will surely show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all the land that belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will always eat at my table."
8 Mephibosheth bowed down and said, "What is your servant, that you should notice a dead dog like me?"
9 Then the king summoned Ziba, Saul's servant, and said to him, "I have given your master's grandson everything that belonged to Saul and his family. 10 You and your sons and your servants are to farm the land for him and bring in the crops, so that your master's grandson may be provided for. And Mephibosheth, grandson of your master, will always eat at my table." (Now Ziba had fifteen sons and twenty servants.)
11 Then Ziba said to the king, "Your servant will do whatever my lord the king commands his servant to do." So Mephibosheth ate at David's [a] table like one of the king's sons.
12 Mephibosheth had a young son named Mica, and all the members of Ziba's household were servants of Mephibosheth. 13 And Mephibosheth lived in Jerusalem, because he always ate at the king's table, and he was crippled in both feet.

Ode to the Gilmore Girls {Day 18}

By Rachel & Emily (Rachel's super cool party people sister)



Once upon a time when I was crazy preggo
I visited my sister and stayed in her cute little condo.
We were feeling extra lazy so we journeyed to Stars Hollow,
Lorelai and Rory became our friends that we always wanted to follow.

After years and years, the Gilmore Girls were just like friends,
and we cried and we cried when it all came to an end.
Thus, we sat down tonight to write them a POE-m,
full of quippy old memories and we think you may know 'em.

So pull out your coffee cup and take a seat,
we hope that you like it and call it a treat!
Copper Boom, dear friends it's time to get started.
We hope that you don't think that we are retarded.

Season one brought us Chilton, and Rory with Dean,
a kiss on aisle seven, and Paris--the mean.
"I have very important thickening needs",
a thousand yellow daisies, and the deer that hit me.
Rory's two birthdays, and being called Mary,
and Richard's heart attack was ever so scary.
Rory wore an apron and cooked Dean some steak,
we all agreed that marrying Max would have been a mistake.
Luke pined away for Lorelai his friend,
and we all hoped that they would get together in the end.

In season two, rebel Jess stepped off of the bus,
tortured Dean, and caused quite a fuss.
A road trip to Harvard caused by a broken engagement,
ended our hope for a bouquet with a pot roast scent.
A tisket a tasket, Jess bid on her basket,
and Luke tried to stuff everything in Uncle Louie's too-small casket.
The Bracebridge Dinner was an evening with friends,
and the Bjork snowman won first prize in the end.
Rory danced with a fan, hid cd's with Lane Kim,
and of course we all laughed when Paris showed up to practice WPMs.
Viscous Trollop lipstick, shrimp cocktail and cucumber water,
proved Emily could not get along with her daughter.
A bus ride to New York, Sookie got married,
Lorelai got together with Christopher, then he left for stupid Sherry.

In season three our minds got crazy, lazy, hazy from the days of summer,
Rory couldn't chose between the two boys, and that was such a bummer.
Lane rebelled against Mrs. Kim and dyed her hair (twice),
and Dean's public break-up sure wasn't nice.
Luke continued to love Lorelai and even taught her to fish,
and a deep fried turkey was Jackson's Thanksgiving wish.
Jess and Rory--The Early Years--started with a bang,
their first kiss at a gas station--dang!!!
We saw a flashback of Lorelai at sixteen,
and Jess got beaked by swan--how mean!
The Inn caught on fire, Lorelai sleeps over at Luke's
the Poes invade, and Paris and Rory duel and duke.
Prom doesn't happen, but Rory does graduate,
Jess disappears to California and buying the Dragonfly becomes Sookie & Lorelai's fate.

The two Lorelai's arrive at Yale in season four,
they make Luke carry the mattress o're and o're.
Rory is crowned Ice Cream Queen and meets Naked Guy in the hall,
Luke got engaged, married and divorced all in all.
Rory comes home to find "Die Jerk" on her door,
Prais sleeps with an old dude, BLLLLAAAHHHHor.
Lorelai the First passes away,
Emily goes crazy and stays in her pjs all day.
Rory travels to Florida for her first spring break,
and Lorelai starts thinking what a cute couple her and Luke would make.
It ends with a wedding dance, and Dean's marital trouble,
one relationships starts and other...it crumbles.

Season five, we finally see the long awaited kiss,
between Luke and Lorelai, even though Kirk's clothes are amiss.
Rory runs away to Europe after a big mistake leaves us shocked,
Logan enters the picture and Pippi Virgins are mocked.
Rory falls for Logan when she jumps off an apparatus,
joins the Life and Death brigade and yells "In Omnia Paratus!"
Lorelai finally opens the Dragonfly Inn,
Sookie gets pregnant, and Emily and Richard's marriage caves in.
Crazy Taylor opens a museum with mannequins talking,
the Huntzbergers treat Rory badly and send her walking.
Rory finds herself in jail for stealing a yacht,
leaving Lorelai and Rory's relationship shot.
The season seems like it will end, making us mope,
but hearing the words "Will you Marry me Luke?" lets it end with some hope.

Season six--what a mess we find ourselves in,
when mother and daughter can't seem to speak again.
Paul Anka is welcomed, the D.A.R. replaces Yale,
Lorelai plans a wedding but Luke has a secret to tell.
A long lost daughter shows up at Luke's Diner,
feelings are hurt, and on the basketball court, Luke almost gives Logan a shiner.
Martha's Vineyard, plans for Asia, and Lane marries,
Luke drags his feet to the altar--oh why did he tarry?
Lorelai gives her man a strict ultimatum,
but he doesn't respond and it makes her hate him.
She runs off to Christopher's stupid old bed,
and the season ends with us banging our heads.

Season seven--is it really the end?
We're not ready to say goodbye to our friends!
Lorelai runs off to Paris, and marries Rory's dad,
Luke is so hurt, so angry and sad.
Rory graduates Yale, says no to Logan,
gets a job as a reporter writing Obama's political slogans.
A knit-a-thon takes place, Michel's chow puppy dies,
Lorelai and Christopher start fighting, and Lane gives birth to two little guys.
A maze of hay brings clarity to both Lorelai and Rory,
Rory goes for the NY Times and Lorelai decides to continue her Luke story.
Luke proves his love by sewing tarps into the wee hours of the night,
and when he kisses Lorelai at the end--finally everything is made right.

We weren't ready to say Bon Voyage to our friends,
but alas, we suppose, every good thing must come to an end.
So farewell Gilmore Girls, it sure has been fun
we wrote this silly poem for you...but now we are done.

Meet My Nephew {Day 17}

Tonight I'd like to introduce you to my sweetie pie little nephew Isaac. My sister is the most amazing Mommy already. All her life she has wanted nothing more than to be a Mommy. After a very long & difficult journey through infertility, Emily finally got to hold her baby boy for the first time on March 25. I'm loving watching her as a Mommy because to her, every day is a gift. She is so refreshing to be around because nothing she does is a burden. She is so very very thankful to have a child, that every part (easy & hard) is a blessing. I'm so proud of her...she is doing an amazing job! Isaac is such a sweet tiny little thing & I am so smitten by him. His smile just lights up your heart. I'm so thankful for God's gift to my sister & her husband, and I'm thankful that we get to share in that as his family! Now...for the sweetest pictures ever! Pictures by Emily's friends MaryBeth & Chen Wang (www.sweetlighting.com)

Interview With Ava {Day 16}

Interview with my Ava Bug (4 years old)




1. What do you want to be when you grow up? A teenager



2. Anything else too? A firewoman....b/c girls can be firemen too



3. If you could go on a trip anywhere in the whole world where would you go? India



4. What's your favorite kind of candy? Gummy bears & worms



5. Do you like being a big sister? yes



6. Why? Because Jane always always gets in to stuff but I still love her



7. What's your favorite game to play? princess checkers



8. What do you think about God? I love Him and He is nice, and He always talks to every people.



9. What country do you want to go to when you grow up? Ethiopia & India



10. Why? Because I want to stop the people fighting & I want them to be nice to eachother. And I want to pray for them to do prayers every night



11. Can you tell me a funny story? Once upon a time there was a little girl who liked to eat kitties. Ha ha ha.



12. If you had one super power what would it be? It would be sky (?? never heard of that one!)



13. What do you think when I tell you that Jesus loves you? It makes me feel happy



14. What are your favorite things to do? Play checkers, play candy land, and pet shop



15. What food do you think is yucky? fish



16. Can you tell me what heaven is like? It's white, and has a bathroom and very beautiful



17.If you could be any animal what would you be. Why? A kitty, dog, bird, monkey, mouse, bat. Cause I like to.



18. What's your favorite princess? all of them



19. Why does Daddy have to go on far away trips? Because he has to tell the people to stop being mean to Jesus. And that God loves them.



20. What's your favorite Bible verse? Deuteronomy 6:5...Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.



Anything else to say? Pray for the Bible verses to go every place.

Breakthrough {Day 15}

Friends,
I just wanted to thank you for all your support yesterday. There were several comments & I received several emails too. Thank you so much for walking with me on this very difficult road. Just wanted to share that tonight Jane & I had a little breakthrough & I know it was a direct result of your praying. We had some good play & singing time before bed & then while I was rocking her she actually looked at me for the very first time in 6 months. Usually she looks past me or darts her eyes all around, avoiding eye contact with me. But tonight, she looked at me the whole time. I know that may seem small or even unimportant, but to me it was huge. Then she fell asleep on her own (also for the first time). I still had to stay in the room/right outside her door, but she put herself to sleep. I'm so thankful for some breakthrough. I'm so thankful for your prayers. Please--if you didn't comment on yesterday's post & have any ideas or books, etc about aggression in adopted kids, I would still LOVE to hear from you!

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On a completely different note...

World, I'd like you to meet my new shoes. World, shoes. Shoes...world. Say hello :)


If ever it was possible to be in love with a pair of shoes, it has happened for me :) These were a Mother's Day present to myself. Love, love, love a happy little burst of yellow on a summer day!

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And also, for your viewing pleasure....Wonder Woman & her trusty sidekick Dorothy Flower Head.

ps...pictures taken on my phone...sorry for the poor quality!

I Need Your Help {Day 14}

Today was a rough day. Well, this week has been a rough week--backed up by a rough month. Ever since we moved into our new home, Jane has gone backwards in issues that I thought we had sort of worked through with her. She seems to be getting worse in lots of areas, and it is causing extreme discouragement & frustration in me. The main issue that we are dealing with in Jane is aggression. She hits, bites, claws, screams, throws things, and rips her hair and mine, out all day long. But here is the thing--she really only does these things to/with me. When I change her diaper she hits me. When I'm feeding her she hits me. When I think she's coming in for a kiss, she bites me instead. I am really struggling with this & wondering if it will ever improve. Jane has been like this since we brought her home, but the aggression just seems to get worse each day.

Adoptive Moms (and any other Mom who has dealt with this) do you have any advice? Any books you've read about this subject? Any words of wisdom or encouragement? I can't even begin to explain how much it is hurting my heart to have a child that beats me up all day long. I am covered in bruises and my body aches from all the ways she tries to attack me. I know that it is not personal. I know she is dealing with grief, abandonment, confusion, etc. But how can I help her heal in this area? What can I be doing to help her move on and forward from this spot. As you can imagine, this is definitely not helping our bonding & attachment to each other. Please, if you have walked through this, can you offer me some advice? Thanks friends!

And of course, can you pray for me? Tonight (after an extremely difficult, highly aggressive day), I was trying to put it all aside. I leaned in to kiss Jane goodnight as Matt was putting her to bed. I tried to kiss her & she ripped a fistful of my hair out. The tears--that were already very close to the surface--started flowing & I just felt so discouraged. Please keep me in your prayers as we seek God's wisdom on how to love, care for and help our daughter heal. Hugs to you all :)

Listmaking And Such {Day 13}

Things I'm Loving at the Moment:

• lemon scented anything (lip gloss, candles, lotion, cleaning products, lemons)
• this picture of my girls

• Jane's curly hair
• swagbucks.com (in 3 years I may be eligible for a $20 target gift card :)
• my unpacked, clean bedroom--a rarity in this house
• Ava wearing goggles:




• daydreaming
• grey & yellow together
• canada dry green tea ginger ale w/ antioxidants
• painted finger nails
• the movie Leap Year
• Ava's silly stories
• the view from my kitchen sink in the early evening when the light comes through the trees
• spending Sundays with my whole family
• texting with long-time friends
• my faux wood floors in my new house
• belly laughs from Jane
• reading James over & over
• painting & distressing frames
• Chobani greek yogurt
• lunch with friends
• early morning time with Jesus when everything is still & quiet in my house
• my black lacey shirt from Forever 21
• spending time with my sister--being Mommies together :)
• taking a month off facebook and having more time with my husband
• spending time with the college girls at our church
• German chocolates from my Dad
• dreams of the mission field
• cherries
• falling in love with India from afar
• watching my parents be grandparents to my kids
• So You Think You Can Dance
• our new annual aquarium pass
• walking through life with my 2 best friends
• this little blog challenge
• dreams of going to Universal Studios to see the new Harry Potter World (!!!!!)
• dancing with my girls

Things I'm Not Loving So Much At the Moment:

• the heat in Florida
• cheesy lawyer commercials
• everything breaking in my new house
• headaches
• grumpy children
• school's out for the summer
• not getting to go with Matt to Ethiopia and China this summer
• shorts
• dead floating beetles in the swimming pool
• not being able to eat greek food every day of my life
• cat hair on my favorite lacey shirt from Forever 21
• that all my candles died in the same week & I'm left with a house that doesn't smell as lovely
• living far away from lots of my closest friends
• my $2 walmart flipflops that rub my feet the wrong way
• not having much time to read anymore
• my cat

Almost halfway through the month!

Ethiopia Video Travel Log Continued {Day 12}

Here are 3 more videos...these ones are pretty personal to me, but I'm going to share them with you. These videos are on Monday morning of our trip--the day that we met Jane. I wanted to document what we were thinking and feeling, so we "interviewed" each other. They lead up to us meeting Jane--so stay tuned for more videos over the next few weeks! Thanks for still walking with me on this little blogging challenge!

PS...this is taking FOREVER to process...hoping it publishes!

Summer Ideas for Kids {Day 11}

I've really been wanting to make a summer calendar with fun things to do with the girls so that we all don't go crazy with nothing to do. However, my energy has been so lacking lately, and I just haven't gotten around to it. Thankfully my friend Virginia posted a link to a super-Mom who has already done all the work!! This Mom has created a daily calendar for June-August with a special activity to do with your kids every day. It is really pretty amazing! You can go to her blog and download the summer calendar. (Sometimes links don't work on my blog, so just in case that didn't work, you can go here: http://www.fistfulofcoupons.com/index.php/2010/06/01/organizing-summer-fun-ideas/ )
She has also posted a link to google docs where she has written out all the recipes, science experiments, crafts, etc, for you to just download. I am so excited to have this in my possession & really wanted to share it with you! Some things may be a little too old for my kids, but we can use this for years to come. We can also fill in days with some of our own activities like library story time & trips to the aquarium. So thank you super Mom that I do not know & thank you Virginia for posting this link...you just may have saved my summer from the I'm bored blues!! The calendar starts next week, so we all have time to gather supplies. Her post also has a list of other ideas and links.

What are your plans for keeping your children happy this summer?? I'd love to hear your ideas--especially those of you with young kids!

To Be Known {Day 10}

I'm pretty wiped out tonight, and don't have much to say, so I thought I would share one of my favorite videos with you...it's a modern depiction of the woman at the well. Pretty awesome...

Blog is acting up {Day 9...again}

Hey friends :) So you'll have to scroll down on my blog a little ways to get to today's post. I started it on Sunday, but didn't finish it until today, but for some reason it published it as if I wrote it Sunday. Anyways, to get to today's post, keep on scrolling til you get to a post called "Updates All Around" Sorry about the confusion :)

Getting Rid of the Mirror {Day 8}

This little blog challenge of mine is getting a little more challenging to keep up. But I'm pretty determined to keep going so here I am.

My best friend Aprile convinced me to sign up for the summer Bible study at our church. I'm not even sure of the name of it, but it's by Priscilla Shirer and it's about leaving the wilderness and moving into the promised land. I haven't started my workbook yet, but at Bible study today we watched the video. To be honest, I didn't get a ton out of it today. I feel very very familiar with the wilderness--I feel like I've been there for several years now. Walking through my Mom's cancer and waiting & fighting for Jane to come home--that has been my wilderness. And to be perfectly honest, I thought that Jane coming home would solve all of it. I thought that when I carried her off that plane I would be walking into my "promised land". I really thought that I had reached the end of my desert trek and my season of abundance was finally here.

Wrong.

Instead I feel like I've journeyed even farther into the desert. Bringing Jane home has made my life even more confusing & more difficult. I feel like my life is more dry and more complicated. But today God got my attention.

At the end of Bible study, our instructor (who is a mentor of mine) gave us all some time to pray and surrender our wilderness. And that's when God spoke to me.

Rachel...you have been walking through the wilderness with a mirror held right up to your own face. All you can see right now is yourself--your difficulty, your confusion, your frustration--you are missing it. No wonder you're stumbling. No wonder you keep walking in circles. No wonder you keep falling down. You can't see me anymore. All you are looking at is yourself. Remove the mirror from in front of your face. Look up child and see me--see my glory as a pillar of fire that you can follow. I will lead you out of the wilderness in my time and on my road. But you have to get rid of the mirror. Take your eyes off of yourself and follow me. Trust me. Trust me.

I'm thankful for a God that loves me enough to discipline. To love me enough to make me get over myself. He is so gracious to me.

(Man...I'm not sure I like all this vulnerability, but it sure has been good for my soul....)

Ethiopia Video Travel Log {Day 7}

Ok friends...it is only 9:00 and I'm off to bed b/c I am so exhausted & had a very long & draining day with my kids. So since I don't have much to say, I'm going to start a series tonight of some of the videos from our trip to Ethiopia to get Jane. The 4 tonight are not very exciting, but it will be the beginning of some more exciting ones (like meeting Jane for the first time!) So here they are...the beginning of our journey....

See..told you--not super exciting, but all the same, part of our journey that I want to remember :) Stay tuned sometime this month to see more of our travel video log! Night night friends!!

Authenticity {Day 6}

I started a different post a few hours ago, but after a phone conversation with a very dear friend of mine I have decided to go another direction tonight. The older I get & the longer I'm a Christ follower, the more and more I long to be an authentic person. I don't know why this is something that Christians struggle with so much. Why is it so hard for us to admit that we are struggling? Why do we feel such a compulsive need to please people and to present ourselves as better than we really are? What are we (what am I) so afraid of?

I don't have all the answers to these questions but I do know that this has been something that has held a grip on me for many many years. In high school & college I had so much spiritual pride. I was so puffed up & so full of myself. In seminary (and the years following) God has taken me on a journey through a very deep valley where He has confronted some very deep issues in my life that needed to be purged. I feel like I've been in this season of "valley walking" for many years now. Upon bringing Jane home I feel like I have really reached the bottom. This is the hardest season I've ever walked through. So much yuck has risen to the surface in my life. So much of my own sin has been set before my eyes. I feel like God has zippered open my soul and allowed all the pride, fear, anger, bitterness, hurt, and resentment to spill out before me.

Why would Jesus let this happen? Because He wants all of me. And I am in the way of that. So here I am--longing to be genuine--to tell you that I struggle. Life is really hard sometimes. I mess up every single day. Are you with me?

What need would we have for grace if we had it all together though? When I was in college I had no understand of what grace really was; what it felt like to be covered in grace that was so undeserved it made my whole body ache to think of it. Grace was not amazing to me. But now, as I've walked through the valley, as I've been confronted with the depths of my own depravity, grace is the sweetest thing I know. It is grace alone that lets me stand before my Savior. It is grace alone that allows me to be forgiven and cleansed. It is grace alone that allows me to be used by God, even though I am so terribly unworthy.

I hope that you will find this blog to be a safe place to land. I hope that you can let your hair down here. I hope that you can find comfort knowing that we are all in need of rescuing. Friends, let's start peeling back the layers. Let's ask God to strip away all that is fake. Let's strive to live in truth. Because really, at the end of the day it is about Jesus. Only Jesus is worthy to be praised. I am not worthy of that. I don't want to rob Him of that. Let us exalt our King & His kingdom. Jesus--remove all that stands against you in my life so that I can be an empty vessel that you can use in whatever way you want. And let me be authentic....God I am longing to live a life laid bare.

Blessings friends...I appreciate you so very much.

Tis So Sweet from First Hattiesburg on Vimeo.

Updates All Around {Day 9}

Ok...first of all...did you know that Betty Crocker Butter White Cake mix actually uses butter? I was just so blown away by that! I thought for sure it was just artificial butter flavor added to the mix or something. But no! Instead of oil you use butter. Amazing I tell you.

Now that we have that out of the way, we can get on to the other things :)

I figured that since I abandoned this blog for almost 6 whole months I ought to update you a bit on my little family since I kind of left you hanging. Ok, so grab some tea and let's get started. (FYI: I am going to do this update by age. Because that way I get to go first. What? There should be some perks to being the old geezer around here!)

Rachel:

That would be me. Apart from the obvious, wife, mother, housecleaner (sometimes) responsibilities that I have, hmmm......let me think about this. Oh wait, yes that's pretty much all consuming. There is not much more I'm afraid to say :) I did lead a college girls Bible study at my house again this semester & loved every minute I spent with those girls. They bring me so much joy & I am so thankful for their presence in my life. I turned the big 3-0 this year and that was a little wild. I still see myself as a 22 year old, but I guess it's time to move on from that. I've been reading Jane Austen (again) and fallen in love with her writing (again). Sometimes I think I should have been born in the 1800s....love that era! I also somehow sustained trauma to my side and have inflammation in my ribcage. Very random. And in the words of my best friend Aprile--"you know you're too busy when you sustain trauma to your body and you don't even remember it happening". Very wise woman she is! Too too funny! I've loved decorating our new home & have painted something (picture frame, canvas, candlestick, etc...) almost every day. I love painting very very much. Ok...I think that's about it for me. I'm sure there's more b/c that sounds a little lame, but there it is. Oh, and I'm reading Radical by David Platt & I think you should read it too. Oh, and I'm praying that God will let me go to India one day soon. (And maybe adopt from there one day.)

Matt:

Matt is still loving his 2 jobs. He is still working for Innovative Mission Opportunities (http://www.imoi.org/) leading teams of students on mission journeys into the 10-40 window. I love that he gets to do this & I long for the day that I can be more involved. He went to Ethiopia in March, and is going back in a couple of weeks. He is also going to China this summer and is hoping to maybe go to Kazakstan in the fall. He is also working at our church as the Pastor of College & Young Singles. He LOVES his job & is doing a wonderful job leading our students. I know I'm biased, but I think he is the best College Pastor around--he is incredibly gifted as a speaker/dreamer/mentor & I love watching him live out his calling. He is having to do yardwork again (our rental property had a lawn service) and he is so super duper overjoyed to be mowing the yard again. He has read a thousand books since January, also turned 30, has gotten more addicted to Dr. Pepper than Starbucks (praise the Lord...much cheaper addiction!!) And has been a big help with the girls.

Nanners (AKA the stuffed monkey that I still sleep with):

Just to give you a little history....when I was 7 I needed a favorite toy b/c all the cool kids had favorite toys & I was always subject to peer pressure in such matters. So I lined all my toys up on my bed and after much thought I picked up the yellow Puffalump monkey & said, "you are now my favorite toy. I will love you forever." (I even wrote a book about him in 6th grade comparing him to the Velveteen Rabbit) Nanners turned 23 this year & has been in my bed almost every night for those 23 years. And I'm not ashamed to admit it people. He is very lovable and he supports my back. And sometimes I catch Matt snuggling with it in the morning. But don't tell him I told you that b/c he would get all blushy & then get mad at me & then deny it vehemently. Some day I'll take pictures and show you proof. Anyways, my beloved Nanners (picture below) also sustained trauma. To his leg. I washed him and I think he just gave up hope of surviving the ordeal. His leg ripped right open. He pretty much doesn't have any stuffing anymore either. I don't know where it went...I guess it just disintegrated. Here he is in all his stuffing-less glory, and another picture for you more gory types of his injury:

Oliver (AKA our unwanted cat):

We still have our cat. We wish we didn't. He ran away today and we were all a little happy about it. But then I found him. Stuck under our (turned off) lawn mower outside. Strange cat. Does anybody want him??????

Ava Marie:

Where to start with crazy, silly, adorable, sweet and hilarious Ava. She is such a joy to everyone that meets her. My favorite thing in the last 6 months is the way she talks about God. She has the most tender heart & that girl is grasping some deep theological truths. I never realized how amazing it would be to watch your child fall in love with your Savior. I know I've said it on here before, but God is pursuing my daughter & it is the most beautiful, awe-inspiring experience in parenthood thus far. Ava turned the big FOUR this year and just finished up her first year of preschool. She completely blossomed this year, and is one smart cookie! Her favorite things are dancing, the color pink, helping Mommy cook, doing everything "all by myself!!", art, swimming, singing and using her imagination. She is still addicted to her purple hippo Lola & I think we have a Nanners in the making. She says the funniest things and I'm loving this age so so much. The other night we let Ava sleep in bed with me as a special treat. Matt graciously slept on the couch so we could have some Mommy & Ava time. I thought she was asleep, but all of a sudden she rolled over and asked if we could cuddle--just for 10 minutes Mommy--and then we can go to sleep. Then she whispered in my ear, "I just love you so much Mommy. You're my best friend." Oh my goodness--I've never experienced anything so innocent and sweet. I don't think I will ever ever ever forgot that moment.

Jane Leilet:

Jane is now 19 months old and as of TODAY has been home for 6 months!! It is so hard to believe that she's been here that long already! It is seriously flying by. She has come so far in the last 6 months. Her vocabulary is really starting to blossom and she has the sweetest little voice. Especially when she is keeping it little & not screaming :) Some of her favorite words are: hi, bye, see ya, sorry, happy day, Aduh (Ava), Mama, Dadden (Daddy), poopy, stinky, diaper, and water. I'm so proud of how far she has come in her speech. She is now running everywhere she goes & is into EVERYTHING! She loves to climb (uh oh), swim, and take baths. She also LOVES to eat and will eat anything we put in front of her. Except bread. Crazy child, doesn't she know that bread is one of the 7 wonders of the world? She is super cuddly when she first wakes up and I love that. She is still very aggressive and laughs at the word no. Working on those 2 things. Her laugh is contagious and her smile is radiant. She is a little stinker drama queen, but she is one fun kid. She is like a magnet when we're out--everyone is drawn to her. She says hi to everyone and I feel like she makes people feel special.

Dreams {Day 5}

Only 27 minutes left in the day & I almost forgot to post. But here I am, in my jammies w/ sleep in my eyes--trying to be faithful to this silly little challenge. I had no plan for a post today, so b/c of the late hour & my very tired brain, I will ask you a question:

what is a dream that you have had--one that you have held onto your whole life--something you've wanted but wonder if it will ever happen for you?

I'd love to hear your answer in the comments :)

Me?

To live overseas as a missionary...don't know where or what I'd do--but it is the one thing that consumes my thoughts and daydreams almost every day. I'm praying that one day God brings it about. (But I guess if you read day 3 you already know this...can you tell it is very very late & I don't have much to offer you tonight? But it should impress you that what I was dreaming about 2 days ago is what I'm still dreaming about. Pretty amazing huh?) *smile*

Goodnight dear friends...sleep well and dream big dreams!

Wacky Ava {Day 4}

So it looks like Ava has gotten the wacky gene too :)

And in very amazing, exciting other news....as you read yesterday, my Mom had her cancer test done today. After taking 2 months off from chemo, her cell count was still only 29!!! Anything under 30 is cancer free! To give you some prespective, it has been over 1000 in the past. This is amazing miracle news & we are praising God for His faithfulness & graciousness to our family once again! He has been her Sustainer for the past 3 years of living with cancer. We truly feel blessed and are humbled by this good news. The doctor has cleared her for another 60 days off from chemo....so thankful for this! God is good--His goodness has never changed, even when we were walking through the valley of the shadow of death with Mom, He was still good.

Happy Friday!

For Old Times Sake {Day 3}

Some stream of consciousness goodness for your reading pleasure....

• Or maybe instead of bringing you pleasure it will make you think--wow, this girl is slightly wacky
• But that's ok with me, b/c I like being wacky
• My Mom is pretty wacky--and I love that about her. And I love that I'm becoming more like her as I age
• Speaking of my Mom, her cancer levels are going to be tested again tomorrow. I always feel like I'm holding my breath all day until she calls with the results. Will it be good? Will it be bad? Will it shatter my world? Will we go to bed rejoicing?
• I am really grateful for my family
• My parents celebrated 35 years of marriage on Monday. At dinner my Dad prayed and thanked God that He had continued to spare Mom's life...talk about being on the verge of the ugly cry
• I have been feeling very introspective and contemplative lately
• I would always prefer to listen rather than to speak
• Sometimes I feel like introverts like me are a very misunderstood breed of human
• But of course, instead of standing up for ourselves, we would probably rather take it to heart & ponder it...hmmm....vicious cycle
• How on earth do you spell vicious? viscious? huh?
• My Dad bought me a box of chocolates from Germany on his most recent business trip. They are hiding in a very obscure place in my refrigerator where no one will ever find them
• Except me
• I have found them 3 times today
• And they were super delicious
• Why am I choosing to write words like vicious and delicious? I don't do well with iou type words
• My baby girl is so not a baby anymore...she seems like such a grown up lady these days
• I never want her to lose her spark--her love for life--her joy
• Middle School, please don't destroy my daughter. And please stay away for a very long long time
• I want to go camping
• In the winter
• Florida summers can be likened to living in steamy hot pea soup while a hair dryer pointed straight at you blows hot air on you. And misquitos buzz all around, sucking your very blood. And then it rains in the afternoon and makes your hair all frizzy.
• Want to come visit?
• Winter clothes are so much more lovely than summer clothes
• I hope to live overseas one day
• I dream about it every day
• Jane & Ava played together for the first time today...granted, "playing together" was interpretted by them as chasing each other around the house & screaming as loud as they could....but still, they were doing it together & they were loving it. So I spent my afternoon wearing earplugs
• Just kidding of course
• Someone should make Mommy earplugs--the only noise that breaks the barrier is a cry for help
• Chocolate is way better than vegetables
• We scheduled Jane's surgery. It is going to be way more invasive than we had hoped
• I'm thankful that I know the Great Physician personally
• Grace gets sweeter every day, don't you think?
• I have the greatest blog readers/commenters in the whole world. Ya'll seriously blessed the socks off of me today. Thank you for loving me, supporting me, praying for me, reminding me of truth, empathizing with me, and encouraging me. Today was such a better day, and I owe SO MUCH OF THAT to you!
• The End
• Adios
• Bueons Noches Senoras
• Guten Nacht
• Au Reviour
• Oops...another iou word

Locked {Day 2}

So let's just dive right in to the heart of the matter, shall we? This is the post that I have been putting off for almost 6 months now. This is the post that, even as I'm sitting here, determined to write it, I still can't quite formulate my thoughts into proper words. So I guess I'll just go for it, and pray that God is glorified through my honesty.

I don't love Jane yet.

There, I said it.

Can I just tell you that even as I type those words, the anguish in my heart floods over me again. This is something that I am REALLY struggling with--deeply, painfully, and most days it feels very much like I'm sitting on an island--all by myself. The only mother in the whole world who doesn't know how to love her own child.

Do I want her? Yes. Do I care about her? Yes--more than you can imagine. Would I do anything for her? Absolutely. But do I love her as a mother loves her child? Do I love her the same way I love Ava?

No.

Not yet.

This was the side of adoption that I was not prepared for. At all. At all at all. I feel like this struggle has just kicked me into a pit & I cannot seem to move forward. We have been home with Jane for 6 months this week. I feel like I beat myself up every day over this. How can a mother not love her child? Especially a child that she fought for and prayed for and longed for. For 3 whole years.

And here is where I am so tempted to believe the lies of the enemy....the days when he whispers to me that love for her will never grow. I am learning to realize when I'm being lied to. I'm not falling for it as much these days, but man--the temptation is so real some days to believe it.

Do you remember those old books by Janette Oake? The Love Comes Softly books? I feel like I am living in those books. A woman feeling like she could never love what has been given to her. But those books end so beautifully. With the woman waking up one day, and for the first time she sees what a gift she has been given. And all of a sudden love swells up inside of her & it is more beautiful than she could ever imagine. That is the ending of my story that I want. I am LONGING for the day when I wake up & look at Jane and a pure & true love swells up inside my heart & gushes forth. I am begging God for that day.

So I ask you: what do you do when love is not there? How does love grow where love is not yet present?

I've been told it takes time. And I know it does. But what is the magic number? My soul is in anguish. The guilt is so heavy some days. All I want to do is to love my daughter--why is it not naturally flowing out of me?

I don't have an answer to that.

But I can tell you this. I have had moments. Moments where hope swept in. You know those days in spring where you open your windows to let the fresh air in? You're cleaning your kitchen, or reading books with your kids & then all of a sudden, the most gentle, quiet, fresh and lovely wind comes in & makes everything feel new. I think that's what hope feels like. A fresh wind in a house that has been all locked up. I have had those moments with Jane. Sometimes during a really rough day, she will just come and cuddle up to me and lay her head on my chest and melt in to me. And I will feel that breeze of hope. Or like tonight...I was doing dishes & I looked over and my girls (dressed down to their undies b/c our air conditioner is broken) hugging each other & giggling. The freshness of it almost took my breath away.

For some reason I feel like my heart is all locked up. I imagine it like a big old house with a thousand rooms. All with dusty doors and cobwebs and great big locks. And the keys? They are no where to be found. I don't have them. But every once in a while, a moment happens with Jane. And I hear the click of the lock--and the door sweeps open & I feel the breeze. It makes my hair dance around me and a smile overtakes me & I know it is true. God unlocked the door and brought love where there was no love.

And hope begins to invade the dark places. Love is slowly creeping in--awaking my heart & stirring love up in the dusty corners. Most of the rooms are still locked. But slowly--in time--more of those doors are being opened by the Only One who holds the key.

To me, this process is way too slow. But for whatever reason, my Shepherd has allowed me to walk this painful road. And I have to tell you--I WILL walk this road. I will wait patiently to hear the click of the locks. Because I know that she is worth it.

One day I will have to tell Jane that love was not automatically there. It breaks my heart to even think about that day. But I hope to also be able to tell her, that God caused love to spring up where it was not. And that love grew softly. But it grew stronger each day until one day--it overtook me. And I never looked back. And it consumed me. Oh Father--I beg you for that day. For Jane dear Jesus. Please--for Jane--grow love in my heart.

Hmmm...funny, even as I sit here & write this, I may have just heard the faintest click of a lock, and the quiet creaking of another door....

Challenging Myself {Day 1}

Hey friends. So it's official...I'm back to blogging. In fact, I've decided to jump in head first. If you read my last post, you saw that I am really struggling putting into words all that I'm walking through and feeling these last few months. So to get the words flowing I'm challenging myself to a 30 day journaling experiment. I am planning on blogging every day for the month of June--some days it will be silly, somedays pictures with captions (words are words right?), and definitely some grappling with the thoughts that are very jumbled in my head. I am a little bit scared by this, if I can be totally honest. Over the last 6 months I've kind of retreated into my "turtle shell" and decided to keep my thoughts more private. But now I feel the need to start wrestling with my thoughts & asking God to bring calm to my chaotic mind & heart.

Thus this little writing challenge.

I may completely fail at this, and if I do, hopefully grace will be shown. But I am really looking forward to pushing myself in this way. I also know that God has been calling me to pick up my "pen" again. So out of obedience & the need for order to my chaos, here I am. I hope that you will join me on this journey...your cheers (aka comments) along the way will push me to keep going! And maybe you'd like to join me by also taking a 30 day journaling challenge....we can be bloggy accountablility partners :)

So here is where I will start:

Adoption is the hardest thing I have ever walked through. Our journey to Jane seemed impossibly hard. But I have to tell you....that part was a cakewalk compared to mothering an adopted child. It is the most insanely trying season I've ever walked through. But in the midst of it, I have learned more about grace than I ever could have imagined. And that my friends, is a very good thing.

Let the journey begin.....